The Plight of the Eldest Daughter

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Introduction

What comes to mind when you think of the eldest daughter? Is it someone who constantly strives to make her family proud? Someone who constantly shoulders the burden of her family’s expectations and criticism? This question was asked to two students from Taylor’s University, Ashley Zuzatee, who has an elder brother and younger sister, and Shereen Sidhu, who has two younger brothers; both respectively the eldest daughters of their families. They delved deep into the challenges they faced, how they were treated by their parents, their relationship with their siblings and much more.

Eldest Son vs Eldest Daughter

The common conception is that eldest children, may it be a daughter or son, face similar hardships as they play the role of a ‘third parent’ for their siblings. But due to traditional beliefs in Asian culture and gender roles, the trials faced by sons and daughters, although both valid, are also distinctly different. An eldest son may be expected to perform well to gain status, provide for his loved ones and conquer life’s many tests with fortitude. A daughter, however, is expected to achieve success in her studies, maintain a level of modesty and eventually start a family of her own.

Ashley states that oftentimes her parents put more emphasis on how she plays a pivotal role in her younger sister’s life as a role model. Unfortunately, her older brother wasn’t active in his role as a reliable figure for Ashley to count on. He rarely faced any repercussions for it. She admits to feelings of resentment towards her brother as he wasn’t the older sibling he should’ve been. However, this never stopped Ashley from being there for her younger sister, in an attempt to be present where her brother was absent.

Shereen, the eldest to two brothers, could sympathise with Ashley’s experience. That was until she started university and no longer saw her family on a day-to-day basis. Although she recalled many moments when she had to be present as a parental figure, the duty of the third parent was shared; her youngest brother looked up to both siblings for guidance and care.

This begs the question – are daughters expected to be more nurturing to their siblings due to stereotypes of women being more motherly and well-suited to attend to children? In Shereen’s case, her responsibility was only shared when she was more physically absent in her youngest brother’s life. In a way, the eldest son of Shereen’s family was by default, the next third parent. On the other hand, Ashley had always been a dependable guardian for her sister while her older brother stood to the side.

The Dynamic Between Siblings

It’s an unspoken rule that family will always look out for one another, so as the eldest daughter, how much are they willing to sacrifice to keep this sacred familial bond?

As mentioned before, both Ashley and Shereen both had their fair share of being the shoulder that their younger siblings lean on. Due to this, their siblings have come to rely and seek guidance from them, so the dynamic becomes that of parent and child. Nevertheless, we must not forget that the eldest daughter is in their own right, also a child, not a fill-in parent.

Between Ashley and her younger sister, it is not a stretch to say that she portrays a motherly role for her sister, but at the end of the day she remains as her elder sister, not her mother. It can be difficult to draw the line between being a sister and a mother, as their roles blur into an indistinguishable blob. Regardless, Ashley holds her sister dear and would never stop caring for her, a true testament of the strength and grace of an eldest daughter.

Shereen holds a similar stance with Ashley, as her role as the eldest daughter unfolds to that of a peacemaker. Shereen had to consistently be neutral when her siblings quarrelled; as siblings do. The alternative would be to receive judgement for siding with one sibling over the other, and there’s no telling how big of a division in the family it would cause. Even if she had something to say, Shereen had to routinely hold back on sharing them for the sake of keeping things at bay. Being a mediator in her family’s disputations had aided her in resolving many arguments over the years, but at what cost?

An Eldest Daughter’s Quest to Perfection

Most parents expect their children to be self-sufficient and achieve their definition of success in life. Oftentimes, this wish of success is good-natured as parents ultimately want what’s best for their child regardless of it being overbearing or the root of great pressure.

Ashley mentions a specific memory of how she was scolded by her mother when she slept in one morning, feeling incredibly tired. Her mother commented on her waking up later than usual and was visibly upset. “You always wake up late, why can’t you help around the house more?” were the words she could recall. Bear in mind, this was not routine for Ashley, it was as simple as her sleeping in on one occasion as she was tired from a strenuous day prior.

Why couldn’t Ashley’s mother allow her daughter to rest without instilling a sense of guilt? To appease her mother, Ashley had to be more mindful of taking in some extra hours of beauty sleep even if she was well-deserving of it because God forbid she sleeps in! This instance is a prime example of how an eldest daughter is frequently regarded as someone who should uphold perfect behaviour as expected from her parents.

Shereen recounted that as a child she always performed well in her academics and naturally, her parents never worried about her in terms of her studies. Shereen didn’t gain much as a reward for consistently getting stellar results, after all, it was a given that she’d do well. In contrast, her brother would receive gifts as an incentive to get as many As as he can. But where were these incentives for Shereen when she came home with one clean report card after the other?

“I’d sometimes get aggravated because I wanted things too.” Of course Shereen didn’t study and work hard for the sole purpose of a gift, plus she did gain her parent’s acknowledgement through verbal gifts – the gift of praise. However, the key difference was that Shereen was never incentivised to do well; a small gift can speak volumes that her efforts are equally as valuable as her brother’s.

Children of The Future

Through these stories we get a glimpse of how it’s like to be an eldest daughter. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine, but in a family we are all given our roles to play and these ladies have done an outstanding job at theirs. As the children of our parents, is it possible for us to break free from those allocated roles? For the eldest daughter these roles may be expected but they’re not set in stone.

[Written By: Sie Wei Wan (Willow), Edited By: Li Wen]